Conversation is a wonderful thing. It helps us see people as the image of God that they are. And allows us to hear their stories. But sometimes, even with the best intentions, we can get stuck on what to say. And then awkwardness sets in. Five seconds of silence feels like an eternity. And in a desperate effort to avoid that, we start overthinking, which makes the situation more weird and awkward. “How about this weather? It wouldn’t be bad if not for the wind…”
We’ve all been there.
But this tool can help navigate the conversational waters. It is not designed to be a step by step GPS on how to perfectly navigate a conversation. Rather, it is simply a launching pad to inspire you to get to know someone. And there's the first key point, this only works if you are genuinely interested in knowing more about someone's story. If you go through each point as if checking a box, conversation will be stale and fake. But if you use this as inspiration to genuinely get to know someone, eventually an hour of conversation will feel like 10 minutes, and the person will feel genuinely heard. At the end of the day, everyone's favorite topic to talk about is themselves.
The second key point for this tool to work is learning how to ask followup questions. When they answer a question, ask a new question based on the answer they gave. And make sure these follow up questions are also open ended questions, meaning they can not be answered with a “yes” or a “no.” For example, if you ask, “Where are you from?” A good follow up question could be, “What’s something most people don’t know about that town?” This skill will be developed more with time. The deeper you go, the less template questions I can give, because you’re moving away from the template and getting to know what makes them unique. And that's how you know you’re doing this right. You’re not following a template or script, rather you’re getting to know the unique image bearer of God that they are.
These two key points may not make complete sense now. But they will after you read through the acronym. I wrote them before giving you the acronym because I didn’t want you to miss them. So, here is the acronym INFORM, but come back to these intro paragraphs after you have read through it.
We’ve all been there.
But this tool can help navigate the conversational waters. It is not designed to be a step by step GPS on how to perfectly navigate a conversation. Rather, it is simply a launching pad to inspire you to get to know someone. And there's the first key point, this only works if you are genuinely interested in knowing more about someone's story. If you go through each point as if checking a box, conversation will be stale and fake. But if you use this as inspiration to genuinely get to know someone, eventually an hour of conversation will feel like 10 minutes, and the person will feel genuinely heard. At the end of the day, everyone's favorite topic to talk about is themselves.
The second key point for this tool to work is learning how to ask followup questions. When they answer a question, ask a new question based on the answer they gave. And make sure these follow up questions are also open ended questions, meaning they can not be answered with a “yes” or a “no.” For example, if you ask, “Where are you from?” A good follow up question could be, “What’s something most people don’t know about that town?” This skill will be developed more with time. The deeper you go, the less template questions I can give, because you’re moving away from the template and getting to know what makes them unique. And that's how you know you’re doing this right. You’re not following a template or script, rather you’re getting to know the unique image bearer of God that they are.
These two key points may not make complete sense now. But they will after you read through the acronym. I wrote them before giving you the acronym because I didn’t want you to miss them. So, here is the acronym INFORM, but come back to these intro paragraphs after you have read through it.
INFORM - How to have a conversation.
IN - Introduce yourself
How do you start the car of conversation? Don’t overthink it.
“Hi, my name is _____. What's your name?”
Bam, the conversation is off and rolling. Great job. You could ask some other basic introduction questions depending on the function you are at. For example, if you’re at a halloween party you would ask, “So…what exactly are you supposed to be?”
Or you could move on to the next point…
“Hi, my name is _____. What's your name?”
Bam, the conversation is off and rolling. Great job. You could ask some other basic introduction questions depending on the function you are at. For example, if you’re at a halloween party you would ask, “So…what exactly are you supposed to be?”
Or you could move on to the next point…
F - Family
Ask questions about their family, or their origin story:
Where are you from?
Follow up question: Have you always lived there or did you move at all?
Second follow up question: Which spot has been your favorite and why?
Do you have any brothers and sisters?
Follow up question: Are you the oldest, youngest, or in the middle?
Second follow up question: Do you think you fit the stereotype of being the (oldest, youngest, or middle)? How so?
Which parent is more likely to give you $100 if you asked right now?
Follow up question: Ok, ask them right now and let's see.
(If talking to a college student) How often do you go home?
What do your parents do for a living?
Think of some other family related questions, or some follow up examples to the ones listed above, before moving on to the next point.
O - Occupation
Ask questions about their work. In the context of a college student, this is their major.
What do you major in?
Follow up question: Have you ever switched majors? Or thought about it? Why?
Second follow up question: Why did you pick that major?
What do you plan on doing with that major?
Follow up: If you were a part of a select group picked to colonize Mars, would you go? Why or why not?
Have you had any internships or co-ops? (this is a yes or no question, but if they say yes then it opens the door to a bunch of follow up questions)
What clubs are you involved in?
Think of some other occupation related questions, or some follow up examples to the ones listed above, before moving on to the next point.
R - Recreation
Basically uncovering what they like to do for fun. What gets them excited? What are they passionate about?
- What's the last show you watched on Netflix? (Or another streaming service)
- If you HAD to go on a reality dating show, which one would you choose?
- You like sports?
- Follow up: Which one did you play?
- Follow up 2: If you could go pro in any sport, which would you choose?
- If you had a Saturday with no tasks to complete, what would you do?
- Follow up: Ok but after you’re done sleeping, what would you do?
- Follow up 2: Nothing? Surely you can’t just sit in a chair doing nothing?
- What type of content is on your Tiktok fyp?
What's the last show you watched on Netflix? (Or another streaming service)
If you HAD to go on a reality dating show, which one would you choose?
You like sports?
Follow up question: Which one did you play?
Second follow up question: If you could go pro in any sport, which would you choose?
If you had a Saturday with no tasks to complete, what would you do?
Follow up: Ok but after you’re done sleeping, what would you do?
Second follow up question: Nothing? Surely you can’t just sit in a chair doing nothing?
What type of content is on your TikTok fyp?
Think of some other Recreation related questions, or some follow up examples to the ones listed above, before moving on to the next point.
M - Mission
This refers to the point of the conversation. Meaning, having a meaningful ending. Maybe it’s to get their contact info so you can continue to build connection. Maybe you’ll see them at another gathering, so the conclusion is “I’ll see you at _____.” If it truly is just a one off random conversation, then maybe the mission could be to have them walk away feeling encouraged. So say something encouraging or affirming. “Mission” simply refers to having a plan to land the plane.
Now that you’ve read the acronym, it's time to go back and read the first few paragraphs.
And the third key point is that the “F", "O", and "R” components do not need to be followed in that order. You can start with recreation, or occupation. And you may never get to one of the components. Or you could spend 2 minutes on one component but 30 minutes on another. Again, the point is not to follow this acronym like it's a program. Rather, let the acronym be a source of inspiration.
If you found this read to be a little weird and quirky, I’m glad. Because that is how conversation is. Everyone is, at the very least, a little weird. The more we can take off our masks, be our genuine weird selves, and discover what makes other people weird, the more fun we’ll have in conversation. Conversation does not have to be awkward and avoided. Instead, let INFORM inspire you to make it fun and interesting.
And the third key point is that the “F", "O", and "R” components do not need to be followed in that order. You can start with recreation, or occupation. And you may never get to one of the components. Or you could spend 2 minutes on one component but 30 minutes on another. Again, the point is not to follow this acronym like it's a program. Rather, let the acronym be a source of inspiration.
If you found this read to be a little weird and quirky, I’m glad. Because that is how conversation is. Everyone is, at the very least, a little weird. The more we can take off our masks, be our genuine weird selves, and discover what makes other people weird, the more fun we’ll have in conversation. Conversation does not have to be awkward and avoided. Instead, let INFORM inspire you to make it fun and interesting.
